It’s okay to be selfish

About two months ago, a friend and I were walking around the mall. He wanted to check out all the shoe stores and he asked me when was the last time I bought shoes.

“Like...for myself?” I asked. He looked at me like I had grown another head.

“Yeah, for you.”

“I bought some shoes to work out in, but the kids are growing out of all their stuff at the same time,” I said. “I’m always getting stuff for them and rarely get myself anything.” Pause. “Wow, that sounds really bad when I say it out loud.”

While perusing social media, I see countless blogs about how women should think about themselves more. Yet, I still see an equal number of women asking how to do self care. I used to be like that. I was so wrapped up in taking care of everyone else that I forgot about the most important person in the house.

Me.

Think about that for a second. I didn’t bother to take care of myself. I didn’t take care of ME. I always made sure the kids and hubby were fed, but then was too tired to eat. I browsed sales racks to get clothes and shoes for the kids (seriously, they outgrew everything at the same time. It’s maddening), but never bought myself new clothes. My son got his hair cut and my daughter’s hair was washed and styled, but my hair was a matted mess. Everyone else got the best of me...except me.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we feel guilty if we take 30 minutes to get a pedicure? Why are we so conditioned to think the world will fall apart if we sleep another 20 minutes and the kids are left to fend for themselves? Unless, of course, they are really little and can’t fend for themselves. But my son knows how to pour cereal and milk for him and his sister. He can make a PBJ. I figure these are good life skills, plus it gives me a few more minutes so long as my daughter isn’t always bugging me.

Many women ask how to do self care. It’s easier than they realize and usually doesn’t cost any money. Just do what YOU enjoy. Do you love taking a walk and listening to the birds chirp, the leaves rustling in the wind, and feeling the sun beam down on your face? Get outside. Do you like curling up on the couch with a good book and a cup of coffee? Kick everyone out the house or go to Starbucks and chill. Put on your headphones and rock out to your favorite Pandora channel. Have sex. Take a long bath. Drink an entire bottle of wine (not every night. You may need help). Play video games. Call up your best friend and cry and laugh. Write in a diary. Sweat it out at the gym or on a treadmill at home. Meditate.

When the kids are with their dad and I have finished my work, I sit in total silence and stare at a wall. No TV, no music, one light on. It’s how I decompress and work through my thoughts and emotions. It’s better than a day at a spa, though I will never turn down a pedi and a massage. But it took me years to learn that that is my form of self care. When the kids come back, I’m ready to handle their crazy...for two more days. Then I need quiet time again.

Self care is about remembering who you are and feeding that person what they need. It’s about knowing you are more than mom, wife, business owner, cook, chauffeur, etc. You are a person with hopes, dreams, fears and love. Remember who you were before you became an adult? You’re still that person. She got buried under the shit that life brings, but she’s still there. She still has things she enjoys. So get out an enjoy them.

My girls from college blessed me with gift cards for Christmas and ordered me to spend them all on myself. I honestly would have bought the kids more clothes, but now I have a closet full of stuff that properly fits me. Guess what? The world didn’t end. Sometimes, self care comes in the form of real friends who also care about you. Hang on to them. They will always help you remember who you are and what you mean to others.

I hope my kids will take care of me when I’m old and gray, but that’s not really their job. It’s my job. How do I expect them to learn how to best love themselves if I’m not practicing it? For 2018, lets learn to love us more and not feel guilty about it. Being selfish isn’t always a bad thing.